The Tale of the Great Fermat's Successor; All the Detergents and Softeners in Between

Ever went shopping and had some flyer-like bunch of papers flapping under the supermarket air-cond? The colors, the design....wasn't that attractive. But wait a minute. Is that a SAMSUNG GALAXY NOTE?!!! You reach for the flyer and voila! How hard can it be?

So I asked my sister when I saw that.

"OMG! You think we can win this?!"

I was practically drooling on the SAMSUNG GALAXY CAMERA. 

"Sure. Why not? What are you supposed to do?" 

Count the stacks of products in the picture. Hah! Easy peasy. Even a kindergartener could do that. Oh wait. You gotta buy the product and provide the real receipt.

Well, why not? I need softeners anyway. So I counted the photo of a pile of cleaning products nicely stacked together with a cartoon of a family of four; mom and dad wheeling the hilly shopped items in some wobbly shopping cart, a boy (for reasons only God knows) holding a softener and a girl holding a dish wash (understandably). Bought some toilet cleaner of the same line of product, confidently stapled the receipt, photostated the whole form to be sure (just in case they might cheat; as if) and posted them. That was a piece of cake. Well, I waited and waited for the fateful call where I have to answer a question and win the weekly prize I chose. Just in case, I memorized everything there is to know about the company producing the cleaners and softeners. I even by heart the measurement of the products' bottle and stuffs. I'm surprised to know that the company was actually initiated in Indonesia. The wait remained until the last day of the contest but there wasn't a call. I was frustrated beyond believe. 

"How is this different fromm some hippy lucky draws? Oh right, you were reminded on how to count," I wailed one rainy afternoon while my mom was sweeping my room. She literally kicked me to move aside so that she could sweep under my bed. "Why is life so unfair to me?!!"

"Well, nothing is in this world. Stop rolling all over the floor! Amin just got out of the toilet," she warned. Blech. "Get over it. There are tons of other contests you could join. Like this!"

She pointed out some contest to win a pack of rice.

"Yeah right. The probability of winning just sized down to 0.0001%. Everyone in Malaysia eats rice kiddo," raising hand to stop her before she could interject "and yes, housewives and aunties above 60 years old are the only people wolfing after packs of rice but what makes you think they won't make 27 entries per head?"

When she scowled, I was beaming at my cool deduction. I mean, that's just really elementary maths to understand the probability of winning. Eventhough I embellished a little, but I think I got my point across crystal clear. She took the photostated contest form that I was clutching for the past few weeks from the table and scrutinized the A4 paper.

"Forget it. I'm one in a million. No, one in gazillions. It's only understandable I lose,"

Man, I was in the Fermat...numbers here and there and everywhere. You know, you can't blame someone who suddenly feels smart when they thought they discovered the reason for their failure first before anyone else. It's like a triumph beyond discovering the integration formula for general polynomial. Heard that? Another Fermat reference.

"So you wrote 31 detergents here?" my sister asked.

"Yeah. Nevermind, Di....it's ok. The world is a place where undiscovered gems are lost and not ever found and polished,"

"Shouldn't it be 38?"

That kind of stopped me in mid-sentence and after I snatched the paper away from her, I recounted the detergents in the photo.

"It's 31. Why would it be 38?!" I cried.

"Well, how about the detergents in the shopping cart?"

I never did glanced at that paper again. Why should I when I've been staring at the thing for all these time, dreaming of a new SAMSUNG GALAXY CAMERA? Never in my entire life, have I ever shredded a printed paper with my own teeth till the day I discovered that I really do have to learn to count again.


The Lotus Flower

The Lotus Flower


Friday 13th; There is No Such Thing As A Jinxed Friday....

There were times when I've thought of making a career shift. To drop myself into a different field of expertise to change my confining way of thinking or make a difference in the world. But get real. I just want to make a few ringgits more than I do right now. That thought zapped me back to the past, waaay back to the time when I thought I had the worst job in the world; that was back in 2011. Don't get me wrong, I still have the worst job ever, only that I enjoy torturing myself more now. The differences back then and now? Well, simply put, I'm paid less to tolerate worse case scenario any lab-working employee could ever encounter. And the source of discomfort was downsized from a full-house of a restaurant to just a single person.

I used to work in a franchise restaurant where the customers are forever complaining. In Malaysia, you don't wanna pay extra 16% tax and not complain. It's just not. When customer's rights are flagging their red flags proud and loud, we do more so in Malaysia; no pun intended. I am, after all, a Malaysian through and through. And a girl, to add the drama.

So, working at a franchise restaurant isn't easy. Telling someone that their pizza will be ready in 17.5 minutes is just a way of volunteering to place your neck at the hanging gallows of doom. The minute you turn your back on them, a dedicated thrifty housewife; who just recently retired from her work at the World Bank and decided to settle down in Kuching since the environment suits her children's personal development, literally whips out a stopwatch on you. And you haven't even swipe your ID to key-in their orders.That particular species of customer is rated Orange in the Danger Scale. They are like slow Internet, Stephen King and loan payments notice combined; frustrating, crazy and plain horror. It was at that moment that time decided to move faster and without fail, cause the pizza to be 5 seconds late and to her convenience, it didn't look like the pizza in the menu. Let's just say that, she got the free Personal Pizza she had been aiming ever since she set her foot in the restaurant.

But I feel her thoughts. It's called female instinct. We know when our orders will most likely be forgotten. I still don't get why Pizza Hut insisted on being a fast food restaurant when you only get to eat your pizza 20 minutes after you've ordered. On the fastest record. And if you're extremely lucky. You can write a simple essay on the Periodic Table within 20 minutes. Or finish reading 4 or 5 pages of Twilight; if you're the kind that literally imagine every crease of Edward Cullen's face while he's talking and being gorgeous and stuffs (blech). 20 minutes is too long to be appeased with the basic meal of garlic bread sticks and instant soup-of-the-day. Seriously.

Now, instead of dealing with swarms of hungry customers, I deal with only a single person who compensates for the whole population of 'important' people in the world that is set to make a difference. One toilet at a time. Haha. Not funny. Not when all that is wrong in a human psychologically is housed in one brain that resides in an office labeled 'Director'. There are many types of bosses. Most common are the 3 mentioned here; Nice, Invisible and Plain Evil.

The Nice categorizes bosses that occasionally buy you lunch, turn down your ideas nicely, strict but encourages self-development waaaaay too much and sometimes, might be a little too friendly to the point of convincing that you and him/her are on first name basis. This is a rare species. Most of the time mistaken with being creepy but really, they just want to be your friend. When you find one, don't let go. Literally. Don't let them leave until retirement. Yours....them...whichever comes first.

The Invisibles are bosses who are constantly traveling around the world; one week in Estonia, 2 days in USA, 2 hours in KL, 8 hours in China, 3 hours in Iceland....and the list goes on....There are the ones you have to race against time to meet. They are the ones whose timetable you should be aware of especially with the holiday season nearing by since the fate of your leave application rests in their hands. Usually, they only suck when their PA sucks. Cause messing up their schedule screws up most about everything else in the office. Monthly meetings maybe the only audience you can get with them. Haha. it depends actually with the agency you're working with. The Invisible bosses are most of the time decent if not always available.But just cause they're not there, doesn't mean they're not around. Think again. The walls....they talk.

And the last one....is the most simplest one to explain. They are just plain Evil. The say crappy stuffs about you personal life, rejoice in embarrassing you in front of a full spectator, are always right even when they're wrong, making your face their dart board and could suffer from various stages of OCD. The only way to survive is being a strong person at heart, being great at dodging bullets and if you dare, hone your social skills with conversation to appease their ego without coming off as an apple-polisher. Everyday is a challenge but you'll manage if you've handled children who bully, you can handle this.

There goes the rant for this wonderful Friday 13th. No. I didn't write this cause I hate my boss.Yeah right.


New Things I Got for Myself

Memang mengarut tapi saya rasa macam bertanggungjawab nak kongsi pula kerjaan saya membeli-belah dengan sesuka hati saya dalam masa 3 bulan ni tadi. Kot. Rasanya lah.

This is ridiculous! But I seemed so obliged to announce my silly spending spree that I did dor the past 3 months (I think?)? 

Sebenarnya, ada 2 saja barang yang saya beli sendiri. Salah satu daripadanya adalah pendrive KingMax yang termatlah kecik bersaiz 8 GB dan telefon baru! Yeeeep! Bukan telefon pintar, tapi puaslah menaip mesej. Nak beli smartphone apanya kalau dah di'pinjamkan' iPod. Untuk masa sekarang. 

But I actually got myself 2 stuffs. One being a super small 8GB pendrive and a new phone! Yeeep! Not a smartphone but the satisfaction of texting is beyond the desire to jump into the common lines of public demands. One 'borrowed' iPod is enough. For now. 

Selain itu, adalah pemberian yang sangat saya hargai: dompet Fiorelli London daripada adik Didi dan tag nama dari tempat kerja. Seronok juga ada tag nama.

And the rest are gifts that I truly appreciate: pretty Fiorella London purse from my sis Didi and the staff name tag from my workplace. Kinda cool to have a name tag. 

Many thanks to God for little treasures!


That Day You Took Me With You

Jeti Telaga Air, Kuching
17th November 2013


The Meets of the Socially Inept Executives

What is it about meetings that you hate?  Let's see...the repetitive minutes, the forever pending updates on just about every single tasks and for the love of God, the generation of a schedule for contract staffs to have their turns in cooking fried bihun for the whole unit; which equals to about 40 something people. The ingredients? Self sponsored. Haha! The only thing I like about meetings is how I found it is the best way to reconnect with the people you forget even exist when you're busy trying to win catfights over test tubes. 

Okay...not all meetings are that bankrupt in outcomes and productivity. Meetings are cool. When there are really important stuffs to talk about. Or achievements to share. It gets tiring sometimes to hear people talking about generating standard procedures on cleaning toilet bowls every other week. Only to have the SOP thrown back to your face. Has the standard of toolbox meetings stooped that low? 

But I don't think anyone wants to hear such thing! We're the super androids civil servants who can do jobs ranging from cooking, cleaning, data compiling and ICP MS maintainence. All at the same time. Bet you can't find cool workers like us anywhere. And we won't even ask for overtime cause we're too scared to be bombed with staplers and other potentially dangerous stationeries. Yep. We even give discounts. 

I'm secretly praying for salvation. Please God, can the Chairman please not look my way and ask me what professionalism is? I think, we're just bunch of people who love our individuality and avid supporter of free expression. We are all socially inept geniuses waiting to take over the world.



Where did you go, Heart?


Hell Yeah

Have I ever told you how much I hate you? Like a hundred times a day and 99%  of the time, you're not around. And at that 1%, I can't even say it out straight like I should. It's like peeking from behind the curtains with the hope that you would notice me, but not know I'm there at the same time. Does that make sense? I know it doesn't. But that's just how it feels like. Senseless and out of touch.

Have I ever told you that I despise how you ignore me? I wanted to be at the front seat with you, and not hide at the backseat while you say the sweetest things to your date. Sometimes, I just ask you random things you could be saying to that future dates you'll be going cause I want to hear what you would be saying to me if you wanted to make me happy. It hurts to know that, you said the nicer things to them and not me. It hurts to know that, you don't trust me enough to even 'pretend' to make me happy.

Have I ever told you how it irritates me when you asked me to give you a smile? After you push and pull me around as you please, just to ease that little guilt you feel when you know you've gone too far...you asked for a smile?

How can I not love you when you're the only one who had seen all of me; even when we're just strangers who are so far apart that without time, knowing you exist is the most impossible thing. How can I not cry when I love you so much that I am willing to pretend that I am happy if you're happy? How can I not get hurt when I know, as realistic as I am, I still want to believe that you are something just within reach. But you, you're are so convinced that I'm just an impossible moving picture you saw on the screen once in a while.  

And all you had to do was pretend...maybe a little. Tell me if you love me...

Just once, turn around and smirk like I know you will...and tell me whatever you want...cause if you ask me...I'd say

"Hell yeah, baby. I'm the only one for ya,"


Little Treasures: Photo Album


 It's a pity to feel that one day, we may not have this kind of treasure box anymore where you can touch and hold the photos you took. I wonder what stories this little old friend has kept within it for all those years of sleeping at the corner of the cabinet, just waiting to be opened....


Go Orange for the ANIMALS!

I'm proud to announce that April is the  "Prevention Against Cruelty to Animals" month! And everyone is urge to wear the ORANGE RIBBON (if not orange stuffs) to show support for this animal awareness campaign. Subsequent to the Orange Ribbon for Animals campaign, Rational Animals has come up with the Animal Guardian Campaign. Being an Animal Guardian or the a person advocating for guardianship, we can help to alter the common perspective that animals are unfeeling objects and raise awareness to make animal guardianship a natural culture among us.

We don't have to own an animal to show our love for them. We don't have to buy expensive cat/dog food to show our humanity. To ensure their good health and well-preserved nature of a loved being is enough. Stray cats or dogs aren't strayed if they are cared for. Taking ownership of them are one of the many ways to take them out of harm's way. But preventing cruelty against animals that aren't even yours is even better. There are no people in their right mind would find pleasure in inflicting pain upon animals. And to make my point more concrete, it is kind of a general knowledge that people who shows sadism towards animals have violent tendencies towards people as well. And acts of animal cruelty are known to be present in most serial killers during their childhood.

With this launching of my video log on my ear-piercing piano impromptus, I would like to urge everyone to Go Orange in the support of the PREVENTION AGAINST ANIMAL CRUELTY.


That Single Moon

Tonight, for once, the sky wasn't crying. And when I walk down the road just after the call to prayer, I became mesmerized at that one single bright crescent shining in the sky. The darkness were bluish and bright because of it. The stars suddenly decided to come out and play too.

Tonight, for once, I wasn't crying. Because I remember that today is the end of a single year for me. My new year was going to start tomorrow. With that coming tomorrow, I have so many plans. So many of them. Tomorrow, I am going work hard to be happy. I want to remind myself of the many things I've forgotten because something...someone stopped my world.

I want to forget that there was ever sadness in my heart when I remember you. I want to teach my heart to grow up, since it was so obvious...so obvious, that my young heart was much too naive...much too alive to definitely love you.

I want you to know, that you were mistaken. I am not a child who's afraid to get hurt. I'm just too hurt to stop believing there was never a new beginning.

I want you to know, that for once, it wasn't me. It was you. It's always been you

That single moon that shone all through the night. And I can't believe, I still want you to love me.


of Language and the Desire to be Understood

The writing of great masterpieces can only be a comparison of what one might felt. Authors; they created outlets for emotions to materialize. And with that, I pledge my respect to people who have helped me to create my own language and realize my own dreams to understand. People could search their whole life for their song, their poetry, their book and their movie; the perfect anthems to their life....because their lives, are the work of art. Not all came out of their own minds, lips or hands. People, are like little children who want to draw beautiful sunsets but their little hands much too powerful, too strong and too young to understand just how much is enough and how little is adequate.

The sun had straight arrow pins for rays with blue clouds and 2 mountains which stood like 2 ant hills.

Childhood was a refreshing phase of life where there are no worries. Now, we can't find that real beautiful sunsets we imagined. Instead, we find ourselves cleaning the store room and staring at the work of art from 20 years ago by a very 'talented' painter named so and so, who dreamed of becoming a doctor who paints. The painter ended up being a contracted microbiologist who's gonna be out of work within 2 months and is struggling to find herself in her store room. She had lost her words. She had lost her muse to paint. She had lost part of her inborn language to just describe how hard growing up was for her.

With this, I want to remind myself that I can learn to find my language again. To find my muse and to find understanding among many. Pablo Neruda did it. Hyde did it. Andrew Davidson did it. Charlotte Bronte did it. My dad did it.

Let's try to find it slowly...let's start listening more and understanding more.


Bukan Semua...

Bukan semua yang bercahaya itu indah
Bukan semua yang malap itu tidak kelihatan
terkadang, dalam cahaya...yang samar itu
lebih nyata
lebih sempurna


Belajar Mencinta

Di gelombang yang berbeza
hatiku dan hatimu, berbeza
nubari ku yang tak memahami
mengapa menangis?
Teruskan lah, kasih...teruskan kemahuan mu

Manfaatkan diriku
rujuki keinginan mu
kerana aku bukan yang memungkinkan cinta
dan kau tidak mampu mengajarku cinta
biasan cahaya dalam kegelapan


Your Favourite Blue

When you hide me at your back seat,
I promised myself not to cry,
And there I was staring at the sky
looking for
Your favourite blue
to find
if it can decorate me
so you'll always be happy
when you're with me




Of You

When I thought of you, it's always a long road towards nowhere.

Misleading...but surprisingly right.
Painfully real...but the rapture froths dreamily.
The beautiful feeling so true that I couldn't believe that
when I opened my eyes...I found that,
I am still staring at the porcelain
flowers of uncertain dreams.


Dream Girl

To love or not to love?

To feel or not to feel?

We've always thought that we could govern our hearts to love the right person, to refuse the wrong person and to settle down to whatever we can make-ado with. Girls will always want a walking check-list and a guy will always think without using his brains. That's what I thought. That's what I know of.

Apparently, we are all selfish when it comes to feelings. We want the other part of us to be perfect and to suit whatever we lack of. Loneliness romanticized thoughts and amplified possibilities. We tried to be realistic but we can't. We tried to be relevant but instead, become more far-fetched.

If we wanted, we could have a movie of our own, having faith like a mafia, dodging bullets and speeding down the Vegas highway with the thought of being anywhere but the ground we stand on.

So, in some cases, people who love quietly have a different version of drama. It's a show and not tell. It's a do and not think. Stolen glances and rustic kisses, insincere smiles and hidden tears...because love seemed quantified by that.

So, in this drama...I'm your secret dream girl. You can tell me all your secrets and I'll keep them safe. You just have to remember me cause that's the only thing that makes me happy...you don't even have to love me.


You're Beautiful

To this day, boy
What have you not done to amuse yourself?
an immortal searching for death
but refused to die
a lost believer but in beliefs
you denied?

We can stare at each other into forever
and I'll still drink my coffee
rather than your tea
kept entertained when you fight to hate me

since my life already tastes arsenic honey
and all my nightmares a hard-core reality
you're beautiful,
beautiful still

star-crossed lovers, defying the gravity
I can try to kill you and you'll try to kill me too
you're beautiful,
beautiful still
I still think you're beautiful,
beautiful still


Sun at Midnight

Sun at Midnight, Feb 2013

L'Ombre et La Lumiere

Why do we hurt?
and let ourselves be
for choices are raindrops falling
basking in the luxury of walking away

Why do we fix it?
when it was never broken to start with
to learn that it had always been the way it is
and we, the interference

I wish I never knew cruelty
so I wouldn't know that hate existed
even so,
when I love, it feels the same
it's not precious if it doesn't die
it's not real if it doesn't bleed

From the shadows into the light
it's a transition
faithfulness that still exist,
even as the roulette spin
emotions that won't leave,
even if banished

Let my black, dirties your porcelain
and your white, clean my coal

From the shadows into the light


Crash and Burn

How does a song kill brain cells? Well, hear this and know that I've burned half my brain to finish this spawn. Thank God, I finished it....so, please...don't kill yourself from utter despair.

Little if not Nothing

Little were known about karmic powers. But it's evident. What goes around comes around? Did I get that right? I believe every religious, agnostic or atheist people would understand the 'Principle of Energy Conservation' in which:

"Energy may be transformed from one form int another. However, it cannot be created nor destroyed; thus, making the total energy of a system constant,"

In Malay language, we refer it as Teori Keabadian Tenaga.

Though religious, I think, I've been trained to keep at heart things that can be reasoned and I believe that whatever said or done should have definite reasons; be it clear or vague. And I think the Principle of Energy Conservation goes way beyond the Physics and Chemistry. It's more than just a principle made to explain natural occurrences of molecular interactions or quantifying collision. Doesn't it represent the rebuttals of actions?

Firearms set to kill helpless children in Iraq...have the energy of the occurrence not awaken itself in the middle of all-American suburbs? Wasn't the pain just as hard and as permanent? Fathers and mothers everywhere and anywhere in this world would've wept and feel the pain just the same. Evident, little if not all...the way the world and the essence of the Higher Power shifted to put equilibrium to the universe is not at all that hard t comprehend. Even someone with no beliefs should understand this strange way of justification that seems cruel and unfair if viewed individually.

How is the oppression of women in some Muslim countries that were never given the chance to have education as compared to the oppression of women in America forced to become alike to men just to justify gender equality?

Little if not All, the principle seems true.